BREAKING!: President Obama Urges Congress to Outlaw Crime!

President Barrack Hussein Obama, in an emergency press conference at 4 AM this morning, urged congress to outlaw crime. The half-asleep press corpse slowly filled the room before White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs welcomed them a creepily-cheerful "Good Morning!" The Press Secretary then announced that the President would personally announce his request for Congress himself.

After the half hour that was required to set up the four tele-prompters Mr. Obama has with him at all times, the President gave this message:

"Good Morning, Due to the hour, I will be quick. Due to unprecedented amounts of crime, I have forwarded a 10,000 page bill to Congress in the hopes that they will disregard their own political parties and come together and outlaw all crime. Thank you and may Alla . . .um, I mean God, Bless America."

The 10,000 page bill, which Mr. Obama referenced during his 30-second speech, doesn't specifically outline which illegal activities will be outlawed. However, the proposed bill does make vague references to "guns", "drugs", "bad people" and "kryptonite". In a particular section, the bill also calls for all fines, jail time and other punishments to be doubled for criminals who commit crimes on Sundays. Our News-room has yet to discover what, precisely, the term "other punishments" refers to.

In the final 100 pages, the bill also enacts a special task-force to enforce this new bill. The task-force includes the following members:

RoboCop, Judge Dredd, Bobba Fett, Batman (who insisted on being the only person to enforce the new bill inside Gotham City Limits), Superman (who will enforce everything EXCEPT the section pertaining to Kryptonite), Freddy Kruger (who will assist with "thought-crime" punishment) and a contingent of 300 Spartans who will be lead by Chuck Norris, Master Chief and the spoon from "Beauty and The Beast".

The task-force will also be, occasionally, assisted by the "Super Best Friends", which, is comprised by Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Lao Tzu and Seaman (who insisted everyone was mis-pronouncing his name).