A Series of Rants: Plastic/Cosmetic Surgery

During work, there is a radio the boss-man has on so we can listen to some tunes whilst working away. Every once-in-a-while, a certain commercial comes one for some local doctor that performs plastic surgery. This propaganda includes something about making the outer beauty match the inner beauty or some such nonsense.

Herein lies my rage (not merely the 'upset' kind of rage, but rage closer to the "I am Joe's raging bile duct" type rage). Who, in their right mind, thinks physically altering their appearance will make them more attractive? Sure, certain types are more attractive than others, but that doesn't mean everyone should be made to look the same. Why do people actively agree to let botox and other silicon-based poisons (and they are poisons - straight from the bowls of satan) into their bodies? The notion that people need to surgically alter themselves in order to attract someone with whom they can partner with is utterly absurd and needs to be put to a stop.

Now for the other side. It's understood that women think they need to change themselves to appear more attractive. It's also understood they do so because bad men encourage it and good men apparently don't speak up against it often enough. So, to those of you who are like me (a somewhat good guy who is sick of the lies) speak up. The greatest ally evil has is a good person who remains silent. To those of you who think that operation is the only way to get a guy, forget about it, you don't need it (and those guys who do tell you that you don't need surgery aren't just saying so, they really mean it).

Here's an interesting news article I happened to find:

It's now suspected that implants may not even be safe! Can we be done with it already?

And finally, to those of you who either actively encourage your girlfriends to get "bigger" or don't speak up should she talk about wanting it. Punch yourselves in the face. Seriously. Right now. Do it.

Adventures in Beer Tasting: A Review

Recently, I had the pleasure of tasting six "new" beers. New in the sense that I had previously never had any of them. Now, this review comes a bit "after the fact", but I will strive to be both coherent and edifying.

The six are as follows:

1: Great Divide Brewing Co's Hades: This is a Belgian-Style Ale that I found consistent with other Belgian-Styles. I believe I mostly liked it due to the fact that I happen to like Belgian-Styles, but it was good and I would have it again if I had the chance. On the bottle was a food pairing suggestion of; fresh mussels, crusty bread and artisan cheese - which sounded pretty good, if I had any available.

2: Tommyknocker Brewery's Maple Brown Nut Ale: This Ale had the flavor of maple syrup and made me miss fall a bit. I would drink it again if given the chance and my own suggested food pairings would be pancakes, nuff said.

3: Brewery Ommegang's Hennepin: It, too, is a Belgian-Style and while given a choice between this and the former, I might prefer the Hades (Never thought I would prefer "Hades" between two options). However, this Belgian also had a good taste to it (and I would think the best pairing option would be to drink this with an attractive Belgian ;)

4: Buffalo Bill's Brewery's Blueberry Oatmeal Stout: I like blueberries. I like Stouts. This was the perfect combination of both. Food Paring: Blueberry Pancakes (Yes, I like pancakes :)

5: Left Hand Brewing Co's 400 Pound Monkey: An English-Style IPA. Although I'm not a fan of IPA's, I did find this one to be rather tasty.

6: Indigo Imp Brewery's Gate Keeper: This Porter (that I happen to be drinking as I began this writing :) has a robust taste to it with hints of caramel. I would consider it again should I have the chance.

So there it is, a bit amateur-ish I'll admit, but I'm one of those oddballs that only started drinking at 21. Therefore my repertoire isn't as knowledgeable as some others.

Pittsburgh Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Playoff Contention!

After winning the Opening Day game against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, then losing to that same team the next day, it was officially announced that the Pirates had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Despite a surprise 6-3 victory, the Pirates just couldn't muster to turn around a near two-decade-long losing streak.

In the top of the fourth, Neil Walker was heard joking to other players "Hey, it's April 1st isn't it? I'll play a prank and hit a grand slam!" His teammates laughter however, turned into surprise and amazement as he actually hit a grand slam. Neil was seen as "having a shocked look on his face" as even he was probably expecting a pop-fly to strand the 3 of his teammates who were on the bases to close out their portion of the inning. Upon returning to the dugout, Neil was met with high-fives and a few players who, having never witnessed a grand slam before, shouted in uncontrolled joy.

Only a few innings later, some other Pirate, I think his name was McCrutch or McChicken or McSomething, hit a two-run homer to put the Bucs even further ahead.

After the game: "I was very surprised to see us score and actually win, it was pretty neat." said a Pirates player who wished to speak on terms of anonymity, wanting to avoid the shame that would result if people knew that he played for the Pirates.

Another player said of the game: "It was totally awesome!" The player also spoke on anonymity due to the fact that once it was realized that he actually thought the Pirates had a chance at winning 100-120 games this decade, the reporter didn't bother to write his name down or accurately quote what he said.

Following the end of the 9nth, the team manager was seen on the phone. It's rumored that he was arranging for a team pizza party, an event normally reserved for if the team actually wins 2-3 games in a row.

Said team manager: "we really got away from the basics. We need to get back to the basics if we want to continue our tradition of Pride. Passion. Pirogies. Pathetic-ness."

The following day, the Pirates, still giddy from the previous day, led a valiant, but futile effort. The Cubs handed the Pirates their first loss of the season after the Pirates took a 3-0 lead, then forgot to actually play for the final two innings. The Cubs took a 5-3 lead at the end of the 8th before everyone who actually was paying attention left in order to "beat the traffic". Said a random fan: "yeah, the Cubs will probably win, then go on to an 'eight-peat', GO CUBS!" The unnamed fan later went into a crazed rant about the Cubs, the Bears, Mike Ditka and Sausage before being subdued by authorities. It was discovered that he had escaped from the local insane asylum and was promptly returned.

"We really tried and we did get 'back to the basics'" said the team manager, "we really can't be scoring more than one point per inning, that's just not what baseball is about." The team manager was probably referring to the two home runs scored the previous day, breaking the team rule of only one point per inning.

"It's really disappointing" said one of the few remaining fans. "We really thought this could be 'our year'". (Four years ago, the Animal and Wildlife community officially declared Pirates Fans to be an 'endangered species'.)

Several players apologized for, once again, letting down their fans and city in the teams, largely ignored, annual apology speech. The team will now attempt to simply "play out the rest of the season with dignity" before resting and preparing for next season.

College Football Players Caught Attempting to Flee Into Canada in Order to Escape NFL Draft.

Several college football players were captured by New York State Troopers Monday hiding in the back of a pickup truck. They later confessed that they were attempting to escape the NFL Draft and claimed the whole thing to be a "quagmire". "The seven college athletes were all expected to be taken in either the first or second round, yet,decided to make a run for the border in order to escape their responsibility and duty to their country to provide the masses with mind-numbing entertainment" said a State Trooper spokesman. The spokesman was also quoted as saying "These players potential draft position may not be hurt, but obviously, teams don't like when players make escape runs." A lawyer representing the players came out with the following statement: "While these players may have made a misguided attempt to escape and run away. We should not judge or punish them too harshly. They are young and the Sub-dermal GPS tracking units that Commissioner [Roger] Goodell is advocating for is a fair enough compromise."

During a recent interview, Roger Goodell stated that: "Any player attempting to flee from his duties as NFL player will be re-captured and brought back safely to his team". Mr. Goodell said this whilst also loading his tranquilizer dart gun, which suggests that he is quite serious regarding re-capturing players and ensuring they are able to serve their full contract with the NFL.

One of the players later came out with his own statement which cited Brett Favre's repeated escape attempts which, up to this point, have always been thwarted by Mr. Goodell and the expert group of bounty hunters on the NFL payroll. Brett Favre, of course, is well known for serving several tours in Green Bay before making his initial escape. Unfortunately for him and NFL fans around the country, he was re-captured and forced to serve a tour of duty in New York. He escaped again only to be re-captured in Minnesota where, after serving another tour there, made yet another escape attempt. This time making it all the way to his home state of Louisiana before his fellow team-mates, under the orders of Minnesota task-masters, retrieved him for another tour in Minnesota.

This latest escape attempt by college athletes only marks the tip of the ice-berg. Other college players have been known to commit crimes such as burglary, drug possession and a few go even as far as assault in attempts to get out of serving with the NFL. Most of these have gone in vain as the NFL has "turned the other cheek" and allowed the players into the draft anyway. Even players that have already been drafted have committed major felonies in attempts to desert the NFL. NFL Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress went so far as to shoot himself in the leg in order to flee the NFL's oppressive multi-million dollar paychecks, however, Mr. Goodell was quoted as saying about Mr. Burress that "even if he cut off his leg, we will still find a way to force millions of dollars into his bank account and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of benefits and a life time's worth of free Gatorade against his will."

What's troubling the NFL Commissioner and several team owners is the possibility of a season-long player lock out. One team owner, who wished to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying "Of course our utmost concern is the billions of dollars we get from ticket sales, ridiculous advertisements and over-priced concessions, but with a lock-out, there's the real possibility that dozens of players may be able to flee the country while everyone's distracted."

One player, Running Back Rashard Mendenhall, is known for making several repeated escape attempts. Known for his comments in which he compared the NFL to slavery, Rashard is also known as being one of the easiest players to recapture as law enforcement and NFL Bounty Hunters are always able to "predict his spin-moves, as they do not surprise anyone, what-so-ever."

More news to follow as details are continuing to unfold.