Pittsburgh Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Playoff Contention!

After winning the Opening Day game against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, then losing to that same team the next day, it was officially announced that the Pirates had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Despite a surprise 6-3 victory, the Pirates just couldn't muster to turn around a near two-decade-long losing streak.

In the top of the fourth, Neil Walker was heard joking to other players "Hey, it's April 1st isn't it? I'll play a prank and hit a grand slam!" His teammates laughter however, turned into surprise and amazement as he actually hit a grand slam. Neil was seen as "having a shocked look on his face" as even he was probably expecting a pop-fly to strand the 3 of his teammates who were on the bases to close out their portion of the inning. Upon returning to the dugout, Neil was met with high-fives and a few players who, having never witnessed a grand slam before, shouted in uncontrolled joy.

Only a few innings later, some other Pirate, I think his name was McCrutch or McChicken or McSomething, hit a two-run homer to put the Bucs even further ahead.

After the game: "I was very surprised to see us score and actually win, it was pretty neat." said a Pirates player who wished to speak on terms of anonymity, wanting to avoid the shame that would result if people knew that he played for the Pirates.

Another player said of the game: "It was totally awesome!" The player also spoke on anonymity due to the fact that once it was realized that he actually thought the Pirates had a chance at winning 100-120 games this decade, the reporter didn't bother to write his name down or accurately quote what he said.

Following the end of the 9nth, the team manager was seen on the phone. It's rumored that he was arranging for a team pizza party, an event normally reserved for if the team actually wins 2-3 games in a row.

Said team manager: "we really got away from the basics. We need to get back to the basics if we want to continue our tradition of Pride. Passion. Pirogies. Pathetic-ness."

The following day, the Pirates, still giddy from the previous day, led a valiant, but futile effort. The Cubs handed the Pirates their first loss of the season after the Pirates took a 3-0 lead, then forgot to actually play for the final two innings. The Cubs took a 5-3 lead at the end of the 8th before everyone who actually was paying attention left in order to "beat the traffic". Said a random fan: "yeah, the Cubs will probably win, then go on to an 'eight-peat', GO CUBS!" The unnamed fan later went into a crazed rant about the Cubs, the Bears, Mike Ditka and Sausage before being subdued by authorities. It was discovered that he had escaped from the local insane asylum and was promptly returned.

"We really tried and we did get 'back to the basics'" said the team manager, "we really can't be scoring more than one point per inning, that's just not what baseball is about." The team manager was probably referring to the two home runs scored the previous day, breaking the team rule of only one point per inning.

"It's really disappointing" said one of the few remaining fans. "We really thought this could be 'our year'". (Four years ago, the Animal and Wildlife community officially declared Pirates Fans to be an 'endangered species'.)

Several players apologized for, once again, letting down their fans and city in the teams, largely ignored, annual apology speech. The team will now attempt to simply "play out the rest of the season with dignity" before resting and preparing for next season.